Profane Computers
Could this be Nolan Curtis' long lost brother?
From: George Wiman
Sent: Monday, April 21, 2003 1:12 PM
To: submissions@bbspot.com
Subject: Profanity and computers
I know the popular theory is that high-tech devices run on electricity. But that theory is wrong: high-tech devices run on profanity. When was the last time you swore at a lamp? Lamps run on electricity, not profanity. Computers have several small lamps in them, which is why they need some electricity, but swearing at a computer really does make it run better.
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Having been in the computer support field for eight years, I feel qualified to make this statement. People think I'm a technical guru but my secret is constantly muttering profanity under my breath while I fix their systems. It's easy - anyone can learn to do it.
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As an example, this weekend, I needed to run a network cable from the router in my basement to my workbench. My terminal crimper was broken, so I set out to buy a new one. Swearing dutifully at traffic on the way, I arrived safely to purchase the replacement crimper and some CAT5 certified RJ45 cable ends.
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CAT5e cable is expensive, but I didn't have to buy any thanks to the wastefulness of several construction projects around town (an ample supply can be found in dumpsters.) I selected a long piece from my box of salvaged cable and arranged the twisted wires for crimping. Since I am quite dyslexic, I got the order wrong, resulting in a nonfunctional cable and nearly an hour's troubleshooting with network properties on the computer. What happened?
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Well, I remembered to swear at the computer, so the network properties were set correctly. Wait! I forgot to cuss out the cable! Sure enough, I had calmly and confidently set the wires into the terminals and crimped them, without comparing them to excrement or questioning if the wire was excessively attached to its mother. The cable could not work.
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Correcting that error, I cut off the incorrectly made terminals. I again consulted the cable chart, cursing the design of the chart that had mislead my dyslexic vision, the maker of the crimping tool, and the manufacturer of the wire for making the color-coding too hard to see. (Never mind that my eyesight isn't what it used to be.) Need I add that the cable now worked perfectly?
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A technician friend of mine says that high-tech devices run on smoke, not profanity. He says that everything works fine until a malfunction lets the smoke out, and after that the device doesn't work anymore. He could be right, though I notice he liberally applies an astounding range of obscenity while fixing systems. He is a master technician, covering all the bases.
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Mark Twain said that he "...found in profanity solace unexcelled by prayer." People who object to 'bad' words as an affront to morality need to stop and give thanks for everything the high-tech revolution has given them. All over the world, tech people are swearing, cussing, inventing new obscene suggestions for Bill Gates, just to keep the world's technology working. It's not just a job, it's a calling.
George Wiman, Computer Support Specialist
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